Life gets really busy and serious. It can be a dark tunnel to navigate. I have been fighting a bout of depression lately. It mainly has to do with wanting to have a baby and not being able to start trying. We aren’t fully financially ready, as well as, I’m taking some alcohol related classes that have me drinking every class and for homework. It is also daunting to think about all the decisions to make with a baby (breastfeeding, cloth diapering, Attached Parenting, Organic fabrics, glass bottles, un-medicated birth — just to name a few that I am looking into) The depression has been causing some tension between my husband and I, but it has also helped us work on our communication.
Though this has been a dark couple of weeks, I have had a shining light at the end of the tunnel, as well as, a light that occasionally shows up and walks beside me on my trip through this dark place. Occasionally, she leaves me with a little bit of her light when she leaves and often returns before the light she left me with has burnt out.
Ok, I have been taking in code time to give it to you in English. The shining light at the end of the tunnel is my mom and sister coming to visit in less than two weeks! I am so excited to see them. My mother and I have had a rocky relationship in the past, but the last year or so I have really felt us grow closer. I love my mom so much! I am so happy that I get to spend this time with her. I am also really excited that I get to have a stronger relationship with my mom. I am happy that I can pick up the phone and call my mom when I need to without thinking twice about it. When I was younger, I used to think twice about it and often wouldn’t call her. I am not completely sure what has changed to bring us closer. A lot of things have happened in both of our lives that has maybe opened both of us up for the relationship.
The light that shows up and walks beside me is my best friend, Steph. I have mentioned her before in my Marco Polo post. Stephanie always knows how to make me smile and she listens to my problems as petty as they may be. She never discounts my problems or feelings either. Trust me, this is something she could fully do, too. Her husband is stationed in Japan and she chose to stay here for a variety of reasons. She lives everyday without her husband and deals with problems that could be seen much bigger than mine and she doesn’t judge me. She always seems to know when I just need to vent and get stuff off my chest or when I really need help and advice.
I was really down on myself last night about feeling depressed and not being a good housewife and money. I was texting her about it. She sent me a message that at the time didn’t brighten me as much as it should have because I wasn’t open to the light and just wanted to be down on myself. But now that I am trying to dig myself out of the hole and out of the darkness and depression what she texted me really brightens my day. She texted me “…You aren’t a failure. You are one of the few people I look up to.” That small statement does make me feel like I am and all the work I do is worth it. Steph is a great friend that I am not looking forward to the day the Navy in one way or another rips us apart.
This Picture describes our relationship perfectly:
She is the one person that lets me be stupid in a multitude of ways… Today, she told me I was acting stupid because I was being depressed and sort of picking fights with my husband. Her telling me that and forcing me to write a blog is helping feel better. The type of stupid we normally are is the silly stupid: the giggling about random things, playing Marco Polo in stores, fooling around at Walmart at 1 or 2 in the morning and the list goes on and on!
All I can say is I am truly blessed in the relationships I have in my life. I have an awesome husband, a fantastic best friend and my relationship with my mother is finally blossoming. I have a lot to be thankful for too: We have a roof over our heads, we were able to move out of a bad neighborhood to one that is a lot quieter and less stressful for both of us, we can pay our bills, put food on our table, enjoy a few hobbies and we love each other very much. Sometimes you need love to make you feel better. Sometimes you need stupidity and fooling around with a good friend. But it is an awesome feeling when you are able to get both at the same time!
Now, it is time to go cook my husband an awesome and healthy meal to come home to. I look forward to hearing your comments and/or questions.
With lots of love,